I have a confession to make. I wish I could tell you that Nikki 2.0 has been a seamless integration into my life and that I’ve become the poster child for compassion and forgiveness. In truth, I’m still going through an overwhelming transition and continue to fall deeper into the rabbit hole of discovering some unattractive truths about myself. One of these unsavory tidbits being that ‘my ego is not my amigo’ and I’ve been fighting an internal battle as I let go of this ‘me, myself and I’ focused mind-set.
“Ego death is a phase of self-surrender and transition”
Two months ago when I set out on my journey and promised to share it with you, I naively believed that I had survived the worst part of my life and the path ahead was unicorns and rainbows. After all, I’d chosen the spiritual path! I felt empowered, free, radiant, and joyous to be alive! And then- BOOM!
The psychological aftermath of last year’s traumas and dramas only continue to challenge, test and push me to my emotional limits every single day. I’m in some sort of limbo between worlds of tearing down my former ‘ego-driven’ self while simultaneously struggling to settle into my new and improved, more compassionate ‘spiritual gangster’ self. I compare this to a large city that has just been completely leveled and annihilated from a huge earthquake; everyone is extremely grateful just to have survived the destruction, but then the realization sets in that there will be years of rebuilding to recover from the disaster.
“During an ego death, a portion of a person’s identity is being eroded. It is like a rewiring of the brain. It is an electrical change.”
While I go through this process, which I’ve accepted may go on for years, I try not to beat myself up. I remind myself that I’m on the right track and probably not alone in what I’m going through. Call it whatever you want- ‘ego death’, a ‘mid-life crisis’, a ‘meltdown’, ‘spiritual awakening’ or whatever the slang of choice is, but over the last year my mind-set completely shifted and it’s been quite a ride. Below is a clip from the movie Bruce Almighty, a hilarious representation of exactly how I felt at my breaking point last year. Thankfully, breakdowns are the fast track to breakthroughs. 🙂 Can you relate? Feel free to share! Until next time, Nikki