I have a confession to make.  I wish I could tell you that Nikki 2.0 has been a seamless integration into my life and that I’ve become the poster child for compassion and forgiveness.  In truth, I’m still going through an overwhelming transition and continue to fall deeper into the rabbit hole of discovering some unattractive truths about myself.  One of these unsavory tidbits being that ‘my ego is not my amigo’ and I’ve been fighting an internal battle as I let go of this ‘me, myself and I’ focused mind-set.

“Ego death is a phase of self-surrender and transition”

Two months ago when I set out on my journey and promised to share it with you, I naively believed that I had survived the worst part of my life and the path ahead was unicorns and rainbows.  After all, I’d chosen the spiritual path! I felt empowered, free, radiant, and joyous to be alive! And then- BOOM!

The psychological aftermath of last year’s traumas and dramas only continue to challenge, test and push me to my emotional limits every single day.  I’m in some sort of limbo between worlds of tearing down my former ‘ego-driven’ self while simultaneously struggling to settle into my new and improved, more compassionate ‘spiritual gangster’ self.  I compare this to a large city that has just been completely leveled and annihilated from a huge earthquake; everyone is extremely grateful just to have survived the destruction, but then the realization sets in that there will be years of rebuilding to recover from the disaster.

The most frustrating part of these spiritual growing pains is feeling like I’m going back and forth between Jekyll & Hyde on a daily basis.  In a snap of a finger my emotions dart from one end of the spectrum to the opposite, and finding any sort of balance seems impossible. There are days when I want to punch everyone in the face, and days I want to kiss everyone on the cheek in the same spot I wanted to punch them the day before.  So even though I’ve stopped feeding the ego, it continues to ravenously fight for any tiny morsel of sustenance to survive.
As my stubborn ‘ego-diablito’ shrivels up like an old prune and prepares to be thrown into the compost pile, I know there’s no turning back to my old self because I have evolved too far and I don’t ever want to look behind me. All that my ego stands for has become downright meaningless in my life and my goals have changed. Everything I used to believe would bring happiness simply doesn’t do it for me anymore. I’m not saying that I was ever a shallow, greedy, selfish, money grubbing, materialistic asshole to begin with, but I have my fair share of flaws just like everyone else.  

“During an ego death, a portion of a person’s identity is being eroded.  It is like a rewiring of the brain. It is an electrical change.”

While I go through this process, which I’ve accepted may go on for years, I try not to beat myself up.  I remind myself that I’m on the right track and probably not alone in what I’m going through. Call it whatever you want- ‘ego death’, a ‘mid-life crisis’, a ‘meltdown’, ‘spiritual awakening’ or whatever the slang of choice is, but over the last year my mind-set completely shifted and it’s been quite a ride. Below is a clip from the movie Bruce Almighty, a hilarious representation of exactly how I felt at my breaking point last year.  Thankfully, breakdowns are the fast track to breakthroughs. 🙂  Can you relate?  Feel free to share!  Until next time, Nikki